2 posts tagged “relationships”
So what is the worst sin that one partner in a relationship can commit against the other?
Is it sex with another?
Is it forming an emotional connection with another not your partner?
I say it is being taken for granted; taken as a given, as an "of course." Although, emotional and/or physical infidelity is impossible unless one partner takes the other for granted in the first place. Ungratefulness or ingratitude may just be the root of all evil in all life.
I have made my disdain for this sin of ingratitude known to every man I have ever been in a relationship with. I have asked that I simply not be last on his every list. Last on every list - all the time. I am not a monopolizer. I don't expect to be top priority every minute of every day, however, I would like to enjoy some time away from the caboose. I always start at the front of the train and end up in the last car. Why is that? Maybe it is that I am riding in the caboose on my own train too.
I also don't expect a man to thank his lucky stars that I have graced the same planet, country, or room that he has. But there has to be some appropriate middle ground. Somewhere.
Despite my symbiotic simultaneous warning and plea: every man has violated my simple request that he remember that I can and will walk away if I am taken for granted. I have thus walked away from every relationship I have ever had. The other party always seems shocked - or outraged. Well, always except for the one I accidently caught in an intimate position with another. He was pretty understanding about my refusal to discuss the situation further. Besides that one, they have always been shocked. Especially the one that said, " I just always thought you'd be here!" And another one that proclaimed, "If I'd known it'd be our last Christmas together, I would have bought you a present!"
So, I have been beaten, cheated on, and forgotten about. Seriously - what the hell. I understand THAT which we most fear comes to pass. But I have never been afraid of being taken for granted. I have never believed it inevitible. I have always known that I did not have to and would not accept being a doormat. Yet, it always comes to pass.
Sug is walking dangerously close to the line. I am upset because he has started forgetting that we made plans together. He makes plans with me and then ditches me to go out with his buddies. This has happened several times now. I understand that this may be due in large part to his age. I truly want him to go and see and do all those things that we all went and saw and did. But I am so torn. I don't want to give him up, but I think I have to. For his sake and mine. He needs to have the time to be a flakey twenty-something and I need to get on with things before I get to the end of my thirties.
Guess I'll be torn and thinking about the future tonight - and making my way back toward the engine of my own bullet train.
I've been thinking lately about relationships. Well, not so much about relationships, but about break-ups.
I have had many past live-in relationships with very different types of men and consequently suffered through many breakups. One thing I've noticed is that people take weird shit when they move out. I wonder what you take out of a relationship says about you as a person. Hmmmmm
My first ex took all of the photos he could find of me as a child and a teenager. (Ewwww!) He took my high school yearbooks, cheerleading pictures, parts of my cheerleading outfits and even some things my then dead grandmother made for me as a child. I think he was trying to steal pieces of me. Maybe....He also told me that no man would ever love me, and that I would come crawling back within 6 months. (Yeah say that if you ever want to have a chance at re-kindling a broken relationship.) Even if I had wanted to get back together - which I absolutely DID NOT - he had met and married a new girl within 2 months of our breaking up. Yes, that is right - 60 days. It would have been nice if he had returned my stuff.
My next ex just took cash. All the money I had at the time - $1500 - measly dollars, I was in college at the time. He also took every T-shirt I had. Every one! I never knew him to have a T-shirt fetish - but whatever.
The third ex took my showercurtain. Yep, it was just a plain white pintucked cloth showercurtain. Cost me all of $30.00, I think. He also took some rather expensive Lalique crystal vases, all of my CD's (and he HATED my music), a Louis Vuitton laptop case, a few pieces of jewlery, and all of my Christmas ornaments - which had been left to me by my Great grandmother. He also took cash - $1800 this time. This one was obviously just a lunatic. Maybe he was shopping for gifts for the new girlfriend. I can't figure that one out, but I felt as if I had been looted.
The last ex took very little. Just some furniture, pillows, and such stuff. And he asked before he took anything. And I gave him anything and everything he requested. He did cop to taking a couple of photographs of me taken years before we met, but I didn't even remember having them in the first place, so I didn't mind. I think he still respects me - which is kind of novel.
So, the boyfriend (I'll just call him Sug - as in sugar) and I have been talking about moving in together one day in the not too distant future. I asked Sug what he would take upon a breakup. Sweet man that he is, he didn't freak out on me or misinterpret my question as pessimism about our relationship. And he answered! (God I love this one.) He said he would take the electronics. He would take the TV, stereo system, computer, etc. Of course, I choose to interpret this answer as meaning he would be so totally devastated by breaking up with me that he would have to take stuff to distract himself with so he could go on living. (mini-violins, here) It is either that or he only loves me for my high-def TV. I don't think that is it.
The one time I left, I took enough clothing for a week. Not a pillow, not a blanket, nothing. I slept on the cold, hard, concrete floor of my new apartment. It was a little like sleeping in a parkinglot. And it felt sooooooooo gooooood. I was revelling in the fact that I didn't need him, anyone or anything. I wonder what that says about me?
And it has just occurred to me this minute that I also wonder about the prudence of working out a plan for a breakup in advance of moving in with someone. Sort of like a preliminary pre-nup. I suppose this document would only have to address things you acquired during the relationship, but how would you react to such a request by your love? And, what would you insist on taking? AND what is the weirdest thing an ex ever took from you after a breakup?
