9 posts tagged “joke”
Surely by now, you all have seen this:
Original "Uncut" Tom Cruise Scientology Video
BUT have you seen this?
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!
Ever heard that saying, "Busier than a one-armed paper hanger?" Well, I think I finally understand...
I'll be here all night working on my Motions to Quash - which particular Motion I have never written before - and it has to be in the mail to the court tomorrow morning. So, here's one of my favorite little jokes for your Tuesday night reading pleasure - in the event you aren't having cybersex right now:
It was the 1st day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin this morning by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me , or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," exclaimed Pedro.
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious with Pedro’s showing off, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone threw an eraser at Pedro, and someone else shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
I do not condone racial, cultural or religious stereotyping and certainly don't make fun of accents, so keep your humorlous, moronic comments to yourselves and lighten the hell up already.
A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the
pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store,
there were no males employed there. She then
asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be
confident that she would treat him with the highest level of
professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for
it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister. When she
returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a
month plus living expenses.
O'Brian staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking old pal, Murphy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around an d he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, O'Brian sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, O'Brian woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
O'Brian said, "Why are you sayin' a mean thing like that?"
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?
S he responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wif e with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
