The darkest heart
So what is the worst sin that one partner in a relationship can commit against the other?
Is it sex with another?
Is it forming an emotional connection with another not your partner?
I say it is being taken for granted; taken as a given, as an "of course." Although, emotional and/or physical infidelity is impossible unless one partner takes the other for granted in the first place. Ungratefulness or ingratitude may just be the root of all evil in all life.
I have made my disdain for this sin of ingratitude known to every man I have ever been in a relationship with. I have asked that I simply not be last on his every list. Last on every list - all the time. I am not a monopolizer. I don't expect to be top priority every minute of every day, however, I would like to enjoy some time away from the caboose. I always start at the front of the train and end up in the last car. Why is that? Maybe it is that I am riding in the caboose on my own train too.
I also don't expect a man to thank his lucky stars that I have graced the same planet, country, or room that he has. But there has to be some appropriate middle ground. Somewhere.
Despite my symbiotic simultaneous warning and plea: every man has violated my simple request that he remember that I can and will walk away if I am taken for granted. I have thus walked away from every relationship I have ever had. The other party always seems shocked - or outraged. Well, always except for the one I accidently caught in an intimate position with another. He was pretty understanding about my refusal to discuss the situation further. Besides that one, they have always been shocked. Especially the one that said, " I just always thought you'd be here!" And another one that proclaimed, "If I'd known it'd be our last Christmas together, I would have bought you a present!"
So, I have been beaten, cheated on, and forgotten about. Seriously - what the hell. I understand THAT which we most fear comes to pass. But I have never been afraid of being taken for granted. I have never believed it inevitible. I have always known that I did not have to and would not accept being a doormat. Yet, it always comes to pass.
Sug is walking dangerously close to the line. I am upset because he has started forgetting that we made plans together. He makes plans with me and then ditches me to go out with his buddies. This has happened several times now. I understand that this may be due in large part to his age. I truly want him to go and see and do all those things that we all went and saw and did. But I am so torn. I don't want to give him up, but I think I have to. For his sake and mine. He needs to have the time to be a flakey twenty-something and I need to get on with things before I get to the end of my thirties.
Guess I'll be torn and thinking about the future tonight - and making my way back toward the engine of my own bullet train.
Comments
Let me relay two short stories in hopes that maybe something in them will help.
First, my wife and I are 20 years apart. She is having serious troubles being over 60 now and beginning to hit the hard part of aging and is upset that I am not able to relate to her struggle. She is really beginning to question whether we did the right thing by getting together 20 years ago. This, as you can guess, is causing some major grief in our house at the moment.
Second, my Mother was dating someone almost 15 years her junior, who was a really good guy, took good care of her, but really wanted kids. Mom was not having any of that, so she knew that as good as things were, she could not allow their relationship to keep him from being a great Dad. So, she sat him down and explained her feelings and more or less had to throw him out for his own good.
Now, your situation is different from both of these, but still has some of the same elements. The decisions will be difficult, so choose carefully, with good feedback from Sug. I hope things work out whichever way is best for the two of you, whatever that may look like. (((HUGS)))
funny how men are sooooo atracted to engines, and then once they thing they have one, they put you in the caboose. it's terrible that the only solution i've come up with so far, is to be the engine you never quite catch.
men seem to adore instability.
go figure.
As much as I hate to admit it, and although I've never bowed to it, I have to say that Karen is right. MOST men seem to find instability, no matter how painful, as alluring as the perfect breasts or mind-blowing sex. I can only venture to guess that it allows a man to be with one woman, but still be "in the hunt".
Sorry K. I hope this rough patch passes quickly no matter how it's resolved. I would say though, if Sug is that young, he might need "don't take me for granted" broken down in more practical terms. He probably isn't taking you for granted at all in his heart.....and he hasn't realized that his actions communicate something else entirely.
20 years too difficult to overcome? Not in my opinion. Problem is that when you have change of life, midlife crisis and empty nest syndrome all at the same time, how do you handle that? Then throw me into the mix with suffering depression for the last 15 or so years and you've got a kind of mess. Things lately have been looking better, but there are days when that fragile thread seems ready to break.
One of the problems today is that I want her to be the person I first met and she wants me to be the person she first met. But we aren't and can't be those people. We have both grown and changed. If you asked her back then about younger/older marriages, she would have told you to go for the happiness, the love. Now she'd say don't do it because of what we're going through.
I love her more each day (cliche sounding, yes, but true), but that fails to come across sometimes. It's a communications thing. If you've ever read The Five Love Languages, it explains it pretty well. We all have ways we show love and ways we feel most loved. The ways we are showing love today are not the ways we want to be loved. Hence, the problem.
i believe that at some point, we make a decision - conscious or not - that THIS is our relationship and THIS is our commitment. we choose to make it work because it's what we believe is right for us. we love, we compromise, we sometimes annoy, but we always come back. in your case, dear k, i imagine that the oppose it also true. we say "this is what makes us work, and this is what doesn't." when weighing those perspectives, we choose how we wish our lives to be. it's a very tough decision. my heart goes out to you.
all the best, my friend. may you quickly find a resolution that settles your heart.
Communication, communication, communication!
It is *crucial* to a relationship, at least from everything I've read, and everything I've experienced. I'm really not sure how passively hoping he'll read something sometime works...
I hate to be so brusk, but if you want him to know something, you'll just have to go up and tell him. He's a guy... you have to do that. He's not likely to guess or do detective work to figure out what you're thinking.
A woman may be socially trained to "drop hints", but for most guys, you've got to spell it out. Granted, I can only speak for me, but... really, I don't think that's too unreasonable to ask.
Is there some fear standing in the way, specifically?
I think youth is pretty irrelevant-- you've got to be upfront with a guy of *any* age on these matters, IMHO.
If you want a guy (speaking as a guy) to understand how you feel, why, you tell him. Plain and simple. Don't drop hints, don't pussyfoot around, don't figure he'll read your mind... tell him.
I understand tact and diplomacy is important... but really, ladies, don't keep us guessing.
If someone told you, "Pease don't take me for granted. That will be the demise of our relationship", would that be considered keeping you guessing? Probably not. Sounds like K has done that part already. I'm suggesting that if his 20-something youthful exuberance is distracting him from the mesage he receieved early in the relationship, K may need to point out that regularly ditching her for his buddies, is considered "taking her for granted".
good luck with whatever you do.
i'm excellent at giving advice - and a nightmare when trying to figure out what to do with my own life. i hope that the words give you some comfort - or some guidance.
Well, I don't know why the hell not! You are awesome and deserve someone who not only sees it, but remembers to let you know often, in both word and deed. I hope Sug can be that guy.