Shit again

I was going to respond to Doc, Lava and On The Prowl in the comments, but in usual lawyerly style, I needed a bazillion more words to say simple things than the comments box would allow.

I feel I must give you a little background.  Ex and I had a strange marriage.  I really don't know why we got married.  We were both freaking out about it at the time and I don't think either of us really wanted to do it.  We were both late for our own wedding.  We had forgotten about wedding rings and had to stop on the way to get some.  The only store open at the beach on Sunday was a surf shop.  So, we bought some surfer rings.  Mine cost $12 and his $18.  We showed up to my friends boat (a 54' yacht) an hour late.  We each had some wine and then we got married on the water, barefoot, at sunset.  It was beautiful.  I would show you a picture, but we didn't get a photographer either and none of our guests ever bothered to send me pictures.  I never bothered to ask.

We did not spend our honeymoon night together.  I slept with my maid of honor and he stayed up all night with his "brudders"  (he is Irish).  So went the rest of our marriage.  We lived separate lives during the day and met up later for sex.  We never did anything together.  We each had friends that had no idea we were married.  We never wore our surfer rings and never replaced them either.  He would accompany me to our bar association Christmas party every year and we would have dinner together one a month or so.  That was the extent of it.

He was never a jealous man.  He was either oblivious or didn't care as other men, not realizing we were "together," let alone married, would hit on me in front of him.  He never said anything about it and I always backed away and was respectful of the fact I was married.  I never cheated on him, or even thought about it.  I don't think he cheated on me either.

For most of our marriage, I worked during the day, as did he.  I worked at night, while he drank and played.  I worked on weekends, often he did too.  At the end of our marriage we saw each other for about 90 total minutes a week - if that.

Over a period of about six months, I decided I really did want to connect on a more spiritual and intellectual level with a man.  I really wanted a partner.  I tried to convey this to him on numerous occasions and tried to give him incentive to change a little and have a marriage with me.  He really wasn't interested and by this time, his alcoholism was becoming noticeable. 

So I asked him to move out and he did.  I think he thought he was calling my bluff.  After a while, he decided to quit drinking and become clear.  The only problem with that was that I had to go through the breakup twice.  Once by myself, and again with him once he was sober.  That sucked.

So that is the background....as for my telling him about landlord that was just sheer, utter, blinding, blonding stupidity. 

 It was a real WTF moment for me.  Things I haven't measured don't usually fly out of my mouth, but it did.  I have no excuse.  No excuse.  I think I was trying to convey to him in terms he could understand, that I really don't have loads of cash right now.  That his dependence on me financially has started to make me ponder alternatives.  Kaboom!  I knew it would backfire as soon as the words left my lips.  I tried to evade further discussion, but he went crazy; Krazy with a K.  So, I told him I made the whole thing up.  I decided I would rather have him think me a liar than cause me unnecessary difficulties I don't have time to deal with at the moment.

The Ex isn't usually nuts.  He just isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.  But he was sweet and protective once upon a time - until he wasn't.  Now, I don't know who he is.  I never knew a sober Ex only the drinking Ex.  I rowed the boat and he came along for the ride and seemed happy to just take his swigs and feel the sunshine. 

The clouds have moved in however and I keep raining on his parade.  The Ex has always thought that I make so much money and I do; however, our lifestyle was such that we needed his income to keep it up.  Well, his income is gone, but I have all of the same bills. 

I am just making my nut every month.  He has walked away and let me carry all of the debt and all of his continuing bills.  I just want him to take care of his bills, at the least.  I can make more money, but it takes time to see the fruits of my extended work hours.  And even when I do, I really don't want to continue to support him as well.  I may have to.  If it were easy and I didn't have to kill myself with work to do it, I would support him in a heartbeat.

I know you guys won't have much sympathy for me as men have traditionally been in my shoes and paid for their ex-wives.  Doesn't make it hurt any less, however.  Particularly when he makes more than enough to support himself well, especially if I take all of the marital debt.  Wouldn't it be nice to collect a paycheck and have no debt?  Boy, I would love that.  My overhead to operate my office is mind blowing. 

Anyway, a few thousand dollars for a blow job and some acrobatics sounded like a good idea for a minute or two.  Frankly, I take pride in my BJ's and would have taken the time and done my best to make it worth the money.    But, I really would not like to have to think of myself as a whore.  And that is what I would be, now wouldn't I?

On the other hand.....aren't we all whores in one way or another?  Maybe this is just cutting out the hypocrisy.

So, in conclusion: 

·                        Ex - not crazy, just not smart.

·                        Me - had dumb blonde moment, very unusual.

·                        Bills -killing me. 

·                        Work - killing me.

·                        BJ's - verrrrry goooood.

·                        Whores - aren't we all?