Okay Okay! I get it!

Wow!  Thanks to all of you who responded to my Darkest Heart post.  I really appreciate the valuable insight and advice.  I took it.

I spoke with dearest Sug yesterday morning - before he read the post.  After much thought I realized that the whole tangled mess that is my emotional state is really (mostly) my own creation.  So, I broke it down for Sug and for myself.  He was wonderful and understanding - as always.

As many of you know, I sleepwalked through almost ten years with my Ex. It is hard when you suddenly decide to let yourself feel again because after a lengthy period of living among the undead, feelings are strange and sometimes unidentifiable.  So it takes me a while to work through and classify what is travelling the highway between my head and my heart.

It boils down to this:

I am terribly, terribly afraid of my heart being broken.  That is probably the one thing that all humans in relationships have in common.  Deep down.  If we are honest with ourselves.  I am afraid that my newborn heart will get dropped on its head and irreversible damage will be done.

So......I keep trying to look into the crystal ball and see what life will be like when I am 60 or 70 or 80.  This desperation to see into the future is ludricrous of course.  No one knows what the future holds.  No one knows if I - or anyone else - will make it to 40, let alone 60 and beyond.

What I know now is that I love this man.  I know he loves me.  That is all there is.

It is impossible to forcast and pre-empt heartbreak.  I am not following any pattern previously established in my life.  I am not repeating old mistakes.  And I simply have to trust that this new path with provide me (and him) with countless precious moments of happiness.

No doubt I will have moments of uncertainty and hesitation in the months and years to come; but hopefully I will remember that life is but a river of moments and though we can look down the river a little bit, we really have to focus on the spot we're in right now - whether that be flowing with a gentle current or navigating some rapids.

So there you go.  I will, for now, just be content to float in my little innertube next to Sug and push the rest from my mind allowing us to enjoy the sunshine. 

I know everything will be okay in the long run. 

And if it is not okay - I have prepared by tying a floaty cooler full of beer to my ankle.