A mid-morning tyranical ramble

I had to call 911 today.  Nothing too serious, just to report a broken down vehicle in the left southbound traveling lane of a very heavily traveled road at a very busy intersection.  Prime multiple car accident causing material.  So I, being a conscientous citizen, called 911 so a policeman could mark the area and prevent potential injury and property damage.  The phone at the 911 center rang - and I kid you not - over 20 times before someone answered.  When the operator did answer, I gave her the detailed information.  Ten minutes later, 911 called me back.  It seems they were unable to locate the information I gave them and asked me to repeat it.  I feel very safe.

The 911 incident occurred as I was returning from the Courthouse where I had waded through a sea of humanity.  I had an apparently homeless lady stroll straight into me in the lobby where I was waiting for an elevator.  She was looking directly at me.  I had nowhere to go to get out of her way.  She smashed her massive unrestrained breasts into me and pressed her face into my hair.  I think she was trying to sniff me. 

I got in the elevator and used my sleeve to press the floor button.  When I reached my floor, a man followed by his two pals walked straight into me as I was attempting to exit the elevator.  Now people, I am taller than average for a woman, was wearing stilletto heels, a blue suit, carrying files and had my shoulder-length blonde hair poufed out curly today.  I AM PRETTY HARD TO MISS.  He had his head turned as he was walking onto the elevator talking smack to his two clueless bros.  I wanted to tap him on the head and ask if anybody was home.

I finally made it to the courtroom which I entered from the public side rather than walking the maze of backroom hallways to enter from the bar side.  After walking down the center isle of the massive 1920's courtroom I was immediately approached by a friend of mine.  "You look frazzled," he whispered.  In response, I shot him a dirty look and a rasberry. 

Court was in session and the judge was talking to a pro se defendant (i.e. no lawyer), so I had to wait a bit before I could cross over to the jury box where the arresting officers usually sit.  I had plenty of time to look at the sea of defendants.  The one standing before the judge was wearing baggy black trousers that were falling off his hips.  He had on a wife beater T-shirt, a black bandana tied around his head as a do-rag, and a black "baseball" cap in his hands.  And he had the bling, complete with a low-hanging chain.  His clothes were obviously new and not inexpensive.  He certainly could have afforded a collared shirt and some well-fitting trousers at the least.  It amazes me that he would look in the mirror and say "yeah, a judge is going to go easy on me if I wear this to court."  Maybe he thought he could pick up a date for December 2010 when he gets out of the pokey.

I scanned the gallery.  There was a woman in short shorts, flip-flops, and her still wet hair pulled into a tight pony-tail.  At least she showered.  There were young men in purposely torn jeans and surf or skate themed t-shirts.  There were older men who clearly hadn't cared enough to shave since maybe Monday.  My favorite though are the young women.  The early 20 somethings who dress like they were going out on a Saturday night.  Satin halter tops and super short skirts will not get you invited into the Judges chambers to resolve the matter privately.  Seriously, don't dress this way.

There were all socio-economic groups and ethnicities represented today.  Maybe 120 or so of them were still there when I arrived, about an hour after proceedings started.  Not one in a suit.  Not one suit in the entire gallery.  Not one suit in the entire courtroom except for the lawyers. 

What does this mean?  I don't know.  I think it means that having to appear in court to face a criminal charge has become so routine that the public doesn't feel the need to dress any more carefully than if they were running to the 7-11 for a Sunday afternoon slurpee. Or maybe, we arrest, prosecute and incarcerate such a huge percentage of our population that one feels hopeless once charged and it becomes pointless to worry about things like personal appearance in front of a judge whose discretion has been stripped by politicians clammoring for reelection.

Or maybe it just means that people are stupid sheep.   People aren't generally stupid, are they?

Well, at any rate here's a tip:  Dress for court.  Dress like you were going to a catholic church for Easter Mass.  Dress like you were going to your grandfather's funeral.  For heaven's sake, it does make a difference when you appear to have respect for the judge and his courtroom.  And get a lawyer!  Don't represent yourself!  I know it isn't rocket science, but we do know how the system works and we do know ins and outs that the average defendant, no matter how many times he has been charged, won't know.  Really we do!  In fact, I scored a dismissal for a client today.  Yeah, it was just a tiny little traffic ticket, but Hoooray Anyway!

I know that much of the non-lawyer public may not believe we actually know anything anymore.  Some clients seem to think that a little Law and Order and Boston Legal teaches you everything you need to know to represent yourself.  I cannot tell you how many times I have had clients say things like, "If I had enough time to read that 45 page Commercial Lease I signed, I could find a loophole that will make this lawsuit for 8 months unpaid rent go away."  My response is, "Have at it, by all means. How much time do you need? And, remind me please, why didn't you read it before you signed it?"  Or a client who insists he doesn't need to negotiate for a settlement because, "a judge is going to see that I am a better person than he is."  Yeah, that sounds like a real winning defense, "Your honor, my client clearly violated the contract, but he is a good person - so, can't we just forget this whole thing and go home?"  Yeah - you have $40,000.00 to gamble on that strategy, Mr. middle-class genius? 

PLEA BARGAIN:   I have many many really wonderful and exceptionally smart clients who appreciate my time and effort.  I am very grateful to have the opportunity to serve them.  I am just a bit harried after my morning "crush" at the Courthouse.  Please excuse the rant...